As I said in the prevolious post, the other insult that gets thrown around at women a lot is "slut". I remember as a teen being called this and I was still a virgin. It really didn't matter whether you were active or not, it was an insult used to control and judge you and sadly it was more often said to me by other women than men. I remember as an adult seeing the movie "Mean Girls" and the scene where the teacher confronts the girls and says "when you call each other sluts you make it okay for the boys to call you that", resonated for me. It's not okay for anyone to be calling anyone that.
"Slut" - the Sacral Chakra Insult
The reason this insult is so hurtful is because it also attacks women on a very basic level, your right to feel pleasure. It says "how dare you be sexual!" "How dare you feel pleasure or admit you want pleasure - you should be ashamed of yourself." Our society trains young women to be passively sexually available to men. We should look "sexy" (according to some impossible outside standard), but not know that we are. A women who has confidence and knows she looks good is considered vain and shallow. Look at how young women are criticized for taking self confident selfies. The message is - look pretty but don't admit that you think that you are. It's as if women should exist for the sole viewing pleasure of men, and when they take control and look good for themselves, for their own pleasure, that's too threatening.
We are also sent the message that we should be available to men's advances but not assert ourselves. Asking out men is considered aggressive, and especially being the initiator for sex. While young men are encouraged to sow their wild oats and "get some", young women are still fed some pretty old fashioned messages about sexuality. Look at how some men still joke that if a boy tries to date their daughter they will take out a shot gun. Never mind the whole creepy virginity promise ring thing. How gross is it to make girls promise they'll stay virgins to their fathers? Do boys promise that to their mothers? WTF
On the flip side, some young women (and men too) are made fun of for being virgins. If someone doesn't want to or isn't ready yet, that's nobody's business but there's. And the same goes for those that are active, that's there own business. It doesn't matter wether you have had one, none or a hundred partners. As far as I'm concerned, if you are consenting adults and being responsible (ie. using birth control, not cheating on anyone, preventing stds) it's nobody else business.
Luckily for me I always saw this insult as a farce and utter double standard. That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt me at times or frustrate the hell out of me, especially when I was younger. Below is a few ways to combat this particular insult.
1.Stop Judging Yourself
It's easy to internalize these messages and shame ourselves. It's a pretty pervasive cultural message, though it is changing slowly but surely. What ever your past or lack their of, remember we are always learning and growing and every encounter in life has a lesson. I think many of us have had past partners where we ask ourselves "what was I thinking?". You were who you were at the time and maybe you wouldn't choose them now, but you wouldn't be who you are now if you took a different road. You can't judge your past self by your present self's standards. I think shaming yourself is pretty useless anyway and helps no one. Conversely I've met women who said they wished they had more partners. You can't judge yourself for this either for the same reasons, regret is also unhealthy and will only eat away at you.
2. Stop Judging Others
This follows the one above. Don't judge yourself and don't judge others. Others sexual choices are none of your business. Again as long as it's consenting adults who are being responsible, you don't get to judge. Plus how do you expect others to respect you if you don't respect them. Don't call people sluts, and if you hear people using misogynist double standards, call it out. The more people speak up the better.
3. Own it.
Your sexuality is yours, so own it. Don't apologize for your desires. Again, as long as it isn't criminal or irresponsible, you have a right to your sexuality. If popping balloons while wearing clown makeup and listening to calliope music turns you on, then hey - who of us can judge? It's your thing, and you don't need to justify it to anyone.
4. Ask for what you want.
Contrary to societies message that women should be passive sexually, I've found men tend to be pretty happy when you tell them what you like. (Yes I'm writing as a straight cis gendered woman, so I can't speak about trans or lesbian etc. experiences). They also don't seem to mind if you make the first move. Plus it's your body, you have a right to ask for what you want, and to say no to what you don't want. If someone tries to pressure you into doing something you don't want to, you have a right to say no.
5. Educate Yourself
Make sure you are educated about birth control, and preventing STDs. I'm so glad that I made sure to educate myself as a teen. Growing up in a religious environment where the sex ed was woefull lacking, and down right mysoginistic, I knew it was something I'd have to take into my own hands to protect myself. Beyond those basics there are many great websites and resources for learning about the art of pleasure. It's astounding the amount of women who report never having an orgasim! I think this is so sad and a reflection of how women are discouraged from exploring their own sexuality. It's your body, and if you don't know what makes you feel good, how the hell are you supposed to tell anyone else?
I know that as women we probably have all been called a "slut" by someone at one time or another. Please remember to be kind to yourself. Remember that this says a lot more about the person saying it than it does about you. It shows they've internalized the message that women should be ashamed of themselves, and see it for the attempt to control you that it is.